Scar Tissue
by FiveForFighting09
Summary: Tony is undercover again, this time at a mental hospital. But when the lines between what real and fake start to blur, can Tony figure what's true and what's fake? More importantly, will he like what he finds? Or will he be stuck inside forever?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is NOT part of the Rhapsody Verse or the Ben!Verse. This is a plot bunny that I wrote completely on vacation. Well. Not completely, considering I still can't bend my elbow and my fingers are still squishy (they're swollen, it's suppose to go down and right around there I stopped listening to the doctor because I wanted to **_**cry**_**) anyway, still have the brace on but no more pain meds! Woo!**

**Anyway, this story, as I mentioned, is finished and a new chapter should be posted every two or three days. Hopefully. (Which means reviews are very much appreciated.) Also, I used a different verb tense in this story. It was fun and I hope you enjoy the story.**

* * *

Tony's been undercover at this hospital for four weeks.

He hasn't talked to Gibbs because it would be too risky and he has no idea what happened to his backup.

He hasn't seen McGee and Ziva in a long time too.

But Abby, who doesn't give off the vibe of "Special Agent of the Government" visits him, telling all who would here that she is his sister.

So what if they were both adopted late in life.

Tony is wearing the stupid hospital gear of white scrubs but his bracelet is red now because he beat up his roommate when the dude got a bit to frisky with his hands.

A red bracelet means he had violent tendencies but Tony doesn't think much of it. He's undercover after all. As a mentally deranged Marine who fell off the deep end.

All part of his undercover persona.

But he hasn't talked to Gibbs in awhile because Gibbs can't always be the aide assigned to this floor.

And besides, Tony doesn't mind. He trusts Gibbs.

He knows that the former Marine won't let him down.

* * *

"Hey Abby," Tony smiles happily, although he doesn't know if that has something to do with the shot the stupid nurse gave him this morning because he wouldn't take his pills or if his happy mood is attributed to the fact that he hadn't seen Abby in awhile. Gibbs still hasn't made another appearance.

Abby smiles and her eyes get all wrinkly at the corners and Tony can see her eyes are watery but that just because she worries about him in here. She would much rather have him in the bullpen with the rest of the team who are working hard to catch the bad guy so Tony can leave this stupid undercover mission.

"Hey Tony," Abby smiles and Tony's eyes go wide.

"Tonio," Abby corrects herself. His name is Antonio in here and Abby always has a hard time remembering. Tony doesn't mind though. He's checked the room and this room isn't bugged so her little slip up isn't putting the undercover mission at risk.

"How was your day Tonio?" Abby asks him, her fingers moving around and around and Tony had to remind himself not to stare at her beautiful fingers that know just the right place to be when he needs a hug. Too bad she can't touch him here.

"Same as yesterday, and the day before that, which was the same as all the days before," Tony shrugs and fidgets in his seat. He can't stay here for too long. Red bracelet people get shorter visiting times.

"So, they find anything yet?" Tony asks quietly. No need for code words or ambiguous sentences here. No one is listening. The orderly who Tony has actually come to like is just sitting in the corner, his headphones on as he listens to his iPod. Sometimes, Mike, the orderly, will let him listen to it but the nurses don't like that very much. And since Tony doesn't want to get assigned a new orderly, because the few red bracelet patients here have their own personal orderlies or "aides" as this place calls them, he makes sure not to get Mike in trouble.

Abby's face does that funny thing where she's trying to hide a lie. Tony knows she would never be a good undercover agent. Abby can't lie very well.

"No," Abby shakes her head and her face gets all watery and Tony notices that she's wearing water-proof mascara because there aren't any black streaks when she starts crying.

"Don't worry Abbs," Tony tries to comfort but he can't touch her so it's hard, "They'll find something soon and I'll be able to come home."

That seems to cheer Abby up and she nods her head and goes to touch him.

"No touch," Tony whispers quietly. Mike is nice but he follows that rule. Visitors can't touch red bracelet patients. It's for their safety even though Tony knows he would never hurt Abby.

"I forgot," Abby pulls her hand back quickly as if she had been about to touch a snake, "Do you know when they'll move you back down to uh...to blue?"

Blue bracelet patients don't get special rooms for visits and they can hug and touch their visitors.

But those rooms are bugged and Tony knows he can't become a blue bracelet patient again.

So he lies, "Soon."

"That's," Abby takes a deep breath, "That's great Tonio. Ducky told me to tell you he says hi."

"What about the rest of the family?" Tony asks. Gibbs is dad except when he pretends to be the aide. McGee is his brother and Tony has no idea what Ziva is.

Abby knows who he's talking about but her eyes get all watery again, "You haven't seen them in awhile?"

"No," Tony shakes his head mournfully. Normally, they make contact every few days.

It's been a weeks and Tony hasn't seen hide nor hair of any of them.

"Don't worry Tonio," Abby says and almost touches him but doesn't, "It'll be okay."

Tony nods and when Mike stands he tells her goodbye. It's time for dinner and since Tony is a red bracelet patient he has to eat his dinner first before the blue patients line up for food.

Abby leaves first and then Mike tells Tony it's time for dinner even though Tony knew that already.

Mike holds the door open but doesn't touch Tony.

Red bracelet patients can't be touch.

* * *

Two weeks since Tony hasn't seen the team and he's starting to get worried.

Even Abby's stopped coming to visit and Tony wonders if something has gone horribly wrong.

"How was your day today Tonio?" his shrink asks. Tony doesn't like him much because the dude thinks he's crazy but when this is all over and Tony is once again Anthony DiNozzo, he'll come back and officially forgive the man for wanting to continually shoot anti-psychotic meds into his bloodstream.

He has however, stopped trying to give him those stupid pills that Tony never took anyway. Good thing he knew how to cheek a pill.

"Fine fine," Tony sits in the big chair and wishes he could be listening to Mike's iPod instead. Mike's by the door reading a book this time. He's still listening to his iPod though.

"You've been doing better," the shrink flips through some papers on his desk and Tony wonders how he got so many papers on Tony's undercover person. Just wait till the dude finds out that this has all been fake.

"That's what they tell me," Tony replies quickly. He really dislikes this guy.

"I have consulted with your aid," the shrink flips though even more papers, "And we think that it's time to move you back with the general population."

Oh crap. Tony won't be able to talk to Abby in that big visitor's room. It's bugged. Tony found the little suckers his first day here.

"No," Tony says calmly, though he thinking how much trouble he'll be in if he jumps the desk and hits the shrink. He'll be able to stay a red bracelet and relieve some stress at the same time.

The shrink must see something though because suddenly Mike is right behind him and he touches him and Tony's screaming, "You can't touch red patients!"

And then there's more of them and Tony's crying because he really wants to see Gibbs soon and go home.

He really misses home.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hello everyone. Thank you so much for all your reviews. I tried to respond to everyone but I think I missed a few. If I did, I'm sorry but know that your review is valued highly. I'm going to the doctor's tomorrow and they're going to do an X-ray to see how things are going sooo if things go well, expect an update Tuesday. :)**

**And because I always seem to forget…**

**Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS its characters nor am I making any profit off this story. **

* * *

Chapter Two

No contact for a month and Tony is seriously starting to go crazy.

In a nuthouse no less.

"Time for dinner," Mike says and Tony rolls over and ignores him.

He misses Gibbs and Ziva and Tim and he really wants this whole undercover mission to be over.

Because he really misses them. And he hasn't seen them for over a month.

Even Abby has stayed away although he thinks that has something to do with the fact he beat up another patient that got to close and tried to touch him.

Guy must have been a psychopath because he laughed and laughed while the orderlies dragged him away after Tony had made sure he wouldn't get to close again.

"Tonio," Mike says quietly, "Come on. You have to eat. Dr. Roberts will tube you if you don't eat."

Tony ignores him. He doesn't want to pretend he's crazy anymore.

"Tonio," Mike says again and then there's a noise and suddenly Tony has an iPod in his hand, "You can listen to it all day if you promise to eat."

Thinking about it, Tony scrolls through Mike's music and is delighted to see that the aid took his advice and downloaded some Jazz and Blues.

"Deal," Tony says and cranks up some Ray Charles and follows Mike out to the eating area.

* * *

Something bad has happened.

Tony comes to that conclusion two months after he hasn't seen anyone from his team. Something horribly wrong has happened and Tony can't help because he's stuck in the stupid place.

"I want to leave," Tony tells Mike one day as there walking from lunch to see his shrink, "I don't want to stay here anymore."

"Then get better," Mike says quietly, "Listen to Dr. Roberts. He'll help."

Tony decides to listen. If he can pretend to get better, then they'll let him out and he can figure out what happened to the rest of his team.

* * *

Tony fiddles with his new blue bracelet. He still doesn't like being around all these other crazy people and he really misses Mike but to get out of here, he has to get to a normal white bracelet and he still has green and yellow to go.

At least he wasn't a black bracelet.

"Tonio!" Abby and Ducky say happily. Ducky is his grandpa in his undercover mission.

"Hey guys," Tony smiles and leans into their hugs.

Blue bracelet patients can be touched.

"We've missed you so much!" Abby says and she's all smiles and the wrinkles around her eyes are happy wrinkles and Tony smiles just looking at her. Abby secretes happiness.

"I've missed you too," Tony says and goes to hug them again.

He can't mention the team here but judging by their smiles, Tony thinks that maybe the team has hit a glitch and isn't in trouble.

But later, when he wakes up screaming from his dreams, Tony knows that something terribly terribly wrong has happened.

* * *

"How did I end up here?" Tony asks his shrink, Dr. Roberts. It's been so long, Tony's forgotten his undercover story. But that's alright because this is a nuthouse and that question isn't all that uncommon. Dr. Roberts looks at him through his reading glasses and doesn't say anything for a long time. But Tony is a green bracelet now and he's not violent anymore.

"You were in a terrible accident," Dr. Roberts says gently as if Tony were a fragile glass, "The house that you were walking into-"

And then Tony is in his nightmare again and he's crying and holding his head because it hurts and then Dr. Roberts is there holding his hand and Tony doesn't mind being touched at the moment so he lets him.

And then it's quiet and dark and no more nightmares of screaming and red mist that means something has gone horribly wrong.

* * *

"You're starting to remember," Dr. Roberts tells him later. He had a migraine that day in the office and has been sleeping a lot lately.

"Remember what?" Tony asks. He needs to know his undercover story so he can get out of here.

Dr. Roberts looks at him and sighs, "You know Tony."

Tony's eyes widen, "That's not my name."

"Tony," Dr. Roberts stands, his hands in front of him to placate Tony.

"That's not my name," Tony stands up and instead of going forward he moves backwards. He needs to get out of here.

"Yes Tony, that's your name," Dr. Roberts follows Tony, step for step until Tony's back is up against the large wood door, "Anthony DiNozzo. That's your name Tony. Look at your bracelet. That's what it says. It does not say Antonio. You're Tony. And you're starting to get better. Which means you're starting to remember."

Tony's gasping for breath and reads his yellow bracelet and sees his name _Anthony DiNozzo Jr._ printed neatly on the line and Tony slowly crumbles because this is wrong.

Something has gone horribly wrong.

* * *

"Something went wrong," Tony says quietly to Ducky the next time he older man comes to visit.

Ducky pauses for a second but he probably talked to Dr. Roberts before he came to see him because he nods and Tony knows that Ducky understands.

"Yes Anthony," Ducky says gently and places and hand on Tony's arm, "Something went horribly wrong."

"Was it my fault?" Tony's voice cracks around the last word and suddenly he can't stop the tears that are falling from his face.

But Ducky understands and he grabs onto Tony quickly and squeezes him and Tony's glad he isn't a red bracelet anymore because he really misses Ducky's gentle hugs that fill him from the inside out.

"No my dear boy," Ducky hums almost as if he's singing a lullaby to him, "It was never your fault.

Tony nods and puts his head in the crook of Ducky's neck and breathes in the old man's smell.

And when he starts to cry, Ducky just rubs his back and whispers that everything will be okay.

* * *

**A/N2:Is anyone else having problem with uploading a new chapter? Or is it just my poor old jalopy of a computer? lol**

**As always, reviews are welcomed. :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: First, I would like to say a big THANK YOU to everyone that's reviewed. And what's more exciting, next chapter will be up tomorrow! **

**Next, I would like to apologize. I don't know how it happened but I totally forgot to post a major warning at the beginning of the first chapter. Mind you, the story is still rated T so it's nothing horrible bad but if you would like to read the WARNING, I will post it at the bottom of this chapter. If you don't want to read the warning (for it is a spoiler) then just keep on going. Once again, I apologize profusely. I am SO SORRY! :( (Remember if you are going to flame me for my oversight, do so with gusto. Anything done halfway is worthless. :) lol) And beware. Some serious angst ahead.**

* * *

Chapter Three

"Something bad happened," Tony says. Ducky's here with Dr. Roberts and they are all outside, feeling the warm sun on their skin. Tony's skin is pale and he wonders if it will burn instead of tan.

He can never remember being this white before.

"Yes Tony," Dr. Roberts answers him and flips through more of those stupid papers. Tony will never flip through papers like that again. If he ever leaves here.

"But what?" Tony runs his hands through his hair. His brain is still jumbled most of the time and the pills that the nurses have been slipping in his food and snacks don't help all that much.

But they help some so Tony doesn't let on that he knows what they're doing.

"The house you where in," Ducky prods gently. Tony can see the sadness in his eyes and he knows that the man would rather him not remember but if he ever wants a white bracelet or if he ever wants to leave, he has to remember.

"It blew up," Tony whispered, rubbing his temple. The house he was in blew up. But he doesn't have a house.

"The team!" Tony suddenly yells and suddenly the nightmare's back. There's red mist and screaming and crying and suddenly Tony's crying and screaming like in the nightmare because he remembers. He remembers a boom and that the red mist wasn't a mist it was blood and everyone was there when the house went BOOM!

"They're dead!" Tony's crying and Ducky's holding him again and Tony stays there because if he's in Ducky's arms then no one with a needle will make him go to the dark quiet place.

Because Gibbs and Ziva and Tim won't be there because they went BOOM.

And there is no coming back for them.

* * *

"We were following a suspected terrorist," Tony tells Dr. Roberts days later. It took him days to stop crying and every time Ducky tried to bring up the subject Tony would start crying again and ignore the older ME. He didn't want to talk about it.

But Dr. Roberts won't let him leave until he does so Tony talks about it as much as he can.

"We got a tip from Metro. Me and Gibbs cleared the bottom floor and Probie and Ziva went up to clear the top floor. After we cleared it, we started processing the scene. Me and Gibbs the first floor, and McGee and Ziva did the top floor.

"I went outside," Tony's can hear his voice crack so he takes deep breaths just like he remembers Boss showing him how to do after the plague, "My camera ran out of batteries so I went to grab the spares from the truck."

Tony takes a couple more deep breaths cause this is the hard part that he never wants to think about.

"And then the house exploded," Tony bites his lip, "I remember running back into the house but I must have gotten knocked out because it wasn't on fire anymore or anything. But there was red mist everywhere. I think-I mean, it was their blood but I didn't-I was in shock. I just kept hoping that Ziva heard something and jumped out of one of them hadn't been there but I was screaming and I kept looking.

"It must have attracted attention because the ambulance guys where there and they pulled me away from the house but by then I was screaming at them to find my team. I didn't care who. I wanted them all the be okay but I would have settled for at least one of them.

"I just didn't want to be alone," Tony finally finishes and he's crying again but he doesn't think he'll ever stop crying, "I just wanted someone to say it was going to be okay."

"Tony," Dr. Roberts says and he has papers in his hand. Those stupid stupid papers, "From the investigation done by Special Agent Balboa, Probationary Agent Ziva David and Special Agent Timothy McGee were killed instantly in the explosion. Tony, there was nothing you could have done."

"And Boss?" Tony asks. He the one he hallucinated last. The one he kept seeing the longest and he doesn't want to know how Boss…how Boss…

"Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs?" Dr. Roberts asks him.

"Just Gibbs," Tony says and can hear how Boss sounded when he use to say it when he was alive.

But he's dead now, just like the rest of them.

"You don't remember?" Dr. Roberts asks gently and suddenly Tony is mad at the man for treating him gently. He will not break damn it and if he knew he wouldn't be looking to his stupid man for answers.

"No!" Tony yells and stands up only to sit back down quickly. His anger only has a short fuss but it has an even shorter burn time, "I don't remember! I don't even know how I've been here for over six months when I can only remember being here for four."

"You were very sick when you arrived here initially," Dr. Roberts says in reply which Tony knows is just another way of saying: _Anthony DiNozzo, you were completely out of your mind when you first got here so most of the time, you were so stoned on anti-psychotics it's a wonder you don't have permanent drool stains on your face._

"Well," Dr. Roberts continues talking when Tony doesn't respond, "You have two visitors today so-"

"Abby and Ducky?" Tony asks hopefully. He misses his friends. Especially since they are alive.

"Dr. Mallard is here yes," Dr. Roberts nods his head and flips through some papers before looking at Tony carefully. Tony always feels like a fish in a bowl when Dr. Roberts looks at him that way, "But he's brought a guest."

"Okay," Tony draws the word out. He can't think of anyone else who would want to come see him because everyone else is dead.

"Well then," Dr. Roberts nods before standing, "Off you go or you'll be late."

* * *

The nightmare is back again only this time, Tony finds someone. Not Abby or Ducky because they weren't there and not McGee or Ziva because they went BOOM on the second floor when Tony's whole world went up in a big ball or fire.

In the nightmare, the red mist is everywhere and Tony is looking and finally he finds someone.

Boss.

But Boss isn't Boss because his eyes don't look right and then Boss is dead because Tony knows he's dead and then Boss tries to touch him but doesn't he know that you can't touch?

"No touch!" Tony is screaming and crying because the nightmare is always real and it will never leave him alone.

Never.

**

* * *

**

A/N2: WARNING: Death of major character(s). If you read the chapter, you know who. If you haven't then…well.

Once again, Thanks for all the reviews. Next chapter will be up tomorrow.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed. :) And thanks for being understanding. Next chapter will hopefully be up tomorrow although it will be late (Pacific Standard Time) due to the fact that I get to spend a couple hours with lots of 12 year old girls. -cries-**

**Nonetheless, I will try my hardest and thanks once again to all who are reading and reviewing. :) **

* * *

Chapter Four

"How did I go back to red?" Tony asks Mike later when its quiet and Mike lets Tony listen to his iPod.

Mike looks carefully at Tony's wrist before looking back up at Tony's eyes, "Tony, your bracelet has always been white. All the patients have white bracelets. You've always had a white hospital bracelet."

The admission hurts Tony's head. He knows he sick, can recognize the fact that his thought processes don't always match up, but it still pains him when he can see the fact that he's crazy.

"Where did the red come from?" Tony asks Mike who is still looking at him carefully.

Mike's frown deepens, "I don't know Tony. Maybe from your nightmare."

"It never goes away," Tony tells Mike. He likes Mike. He's glad at least, that he gets the same aid. Mike is nice and tall even though he's shorter than Tony. He's really strong and he's always really careful to keep the no touch rule.

"One day it might," Mike says hopefully, "Or at least get better."

Tony thinks about what Mike says and hopes.

"I want to go home Mike."

"I want you to go home too Tony."

* * *

"Mike," Tony says when he's sitting in the small waiting room, waiting for Abby and Ducky to walk through the door to visit him. His bracelet is white, has always been white, but Dr. Roberts hasn't moved him to the large visiting room since he had what Dr. Roberts calls a "relapse."

"Yeah Tony?" Mike says from the corner of the room. He watches everything Tony does to make sure he's safe and Tony doesn't mind because he likes Mike.

"You have a family?"

Mike's eye wrinkle like Abby's do when she's about to cry and Tony didn't mean to make Mike cry.

"Sorry I-" Tony tries to fix the mistake but Mike looses the wrinkly look and he smiles instead even though Tony can see Mike's eyes still shimmer with wetness.

"No it's okay," Mike shrugs and he adjusts the way he's sitting, rubbing his bad knee, "Yeah I have a family. A son."

"Really?" Tony asks.

"Yeah," Mike continues and he looks at Tony like he isn't seeing Tony, "But he's really sick right now."

"Oh," Tony bites his lip cause he feels bad, "Will he be okay?"

"Yes," Mike says and nods, looking right into Tony's eyes.

It that moment that Tony notices how blue Mike's eyes really are.

* * *

"I want to go home," Tony tells Dr. Roberts. It's almost been seven months since he's been here even though Tony can only remember being here five months.

"I see," Dr. Roberts says quietly and for once he doesn't have papers on his desk, "And where who you be staying with?"

"Ducky," Tony nods, "I've already asked and he said it was okay. Not forever. But for a night. You can do that right? Let me out for a couple nights?"

Dr. Roberts makes a temple out of his fingers and hums before nodding his head, "I don't know how I feel about you leaving here all alone."

"What about Mike?" Tony asks and works hard to keep his nervous hands from making too much noise, "He can help. He won't mind."

"You've asked him?" Dr. Roberts says and he leans forward into Tony's private space.

"Uh," Tony thinks really hard, "No."

"Then how do you know he won't mind?" Dr. Roberts asks and leans back this time.

So much movement makes Tony start to want to lean forward and backward too.

"Because he's Mike," Tony shrugs, "He won't."

Dr. Roberts makes that humming noise again, "I will talk to your aid. If he agrees, then I don't see why we can't switch you to outpatient therapy."

Tony smiles. Mike will agree.

He knows he will.

* * *

Tony wants to break out in song he's so happy.

"Alright so, Ducky and Abby are picking us up?" Tony asks Mike again. He's nervous about leaving and he keeps looking back like Dr. Roberts will walk out the doors and drag him back inside.

"Here they come," Mike says and gently nudges Tony forward. Tony doesn't mind being touched by Mike because Mike was the one that told him the red bracelet wasn't real.

"Home," Tony stamps his feet excitedly. Sure, it's only Ducky's house but it's away from here and best of all, Mike's coming too.

"Yeah Tony," Mike smiles and opens the door for Tony when Abby pulls up.

"Tony!" Abby squeals and Tony smiles because she's hugging him and Ducky's smiling and Abby's happy and Mike doesn't look so sad anymore.

* * *

"Pizza," Mike says and sets it down in front of the TV. Abby brought a movie over that Tony hasn't seen and Mike is going to stay and watch it with him because Tony asked.

Tony smiles when Mike sits down right next to him, "Want a slice Mike?"

"Sure," Mike takes a slice of Tony's favorite kind of pizza even thought it will probably give him heartburn later, "What are we watching?"

"I don't know," Tony shrugs because Abby is setting up the movie and hasn't let Tony see the cover.

Mike nods and looks at Abby before looking at Tony, "You like the pizza?"

"It's my favorite food," Tony smiles and looks at Mike.

"Hey Mike?" Tony asks when Abby's all snuggled up and about to start the movie.

"Yeah Tony?" Mike doesn't take a bite of pizza but instead listens to what Tony has to say.

"You have a really funny hair cut," Tony's never really noticed it before, "And your hair looks a lot more gray here than it did at the hospital."

Abby freezes next to him and even Mike's eye twitches. But the moment makes Tony uncomfortable so he shrugs again and stares at his pizza.

Sooner rather than later, Abby starts the movie.

"They made a Toy Story 3?" Tony asks and Abby laughs at him and Tony knows that Mike's smile means he's laughing too.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Hello! Once again, thanks so much to all that reviewed! If you've reviewed and I haven't gotten back to you, don't worry. I will. I just wanted to get this chapter up first so you guys can read it. :) **

**And one more thing. I have learned something today that is quite monumental. I am actually considering sending it to some scientists somewhere. The discovery you ask? Twelve year old girls are attracted, by a force greater than gravity and any other forces known to man, to metal braces that stabilize healing elbows. My elbow is on ice right now because these girls could not fight this unknown force long enough to keep their body parts away from smacking into my elbow. Mind you, I remained quite stationary throughout the whole day, it wasn't my fault. I have promised (or threatened), for I have to do this again Monday, to bring protection in the form of a large bodyguard and a swimming noodle the next time I'm around them.**

**Hopefully, these things will be enough to protect me. **

* * *

Chapter Five

"Mike," Tony says one day when Mike gets there really early in the morning. Tony can make his own breakfast but he waits for Mike to come and eat, "Did you always have a beard?"

Mike looks at Tony but Tony doesn't know what Mike is thinking. Mike is a tough nut to crack.

"Not always," Mike finally answers him, "But now I do because I have scars on my face."

"From what?" Tony asks not the least bit embarrassed about wanting to know. Mike is Mike. If he minds, he won't tell Tony the answer. But if he doesn't mind, then he'll tell him what he wants to know.

"I was in an explosion," Mike says quietly a few seconds later and Tony can tell that talking about this makes Mike pretty sad.

"I don't want to know," Tony shakes his head quickly. He doesn't want to make Mike more sad.

Mike looks at Tony again and sighs though Tony doesn't know if it's a good sigh or a bad sigh, "So what do you want to do today Tony?"

* * *

"How are you enjoying your stay at Dr. Mallard's home?" Dr. Roberts asks when Tony goes in to talk to him. He's an outpatient now so that means he doesn't have to live at the hospital but it still means he has to come see Dr. Roberts every other day.

"It's better than here," Tony answers truthfully, "Ducky has a nice house and a yard and he has four Corgis that are pretty neat. Oh and Mike and me watch movies a lot."

"Are you enjoying spending time with your aid?" Dr. Roberts asks and he smiles at Tony.

"Yeah," Tony nods, "Mike's cool. Did you know he was in an explosion?"

Dr. Roberts fingers stop moving for a second before they continue shifting through the papers on his desk, "Who told you that?"

Tony rolls his eyes, "Mike did. I asked him why he has a beard and he said because of the scars he got from an explosion. I wonder if anyone else got hurt in the explosion."

Dr. Roberts is quiet after that and Tony hopes he didn't say anything wrong.

"Are you going to ask him that?" Dr. Roberts finally asks after a couple minutes of silence.

"No," Tony shakes his head, "I don't think Mike wants to talk about it."

* * *

"I'm not hungry Ducky, but thank you," Tony quickly shuffles out of the kitchen. Ducky was making dinner and while it smelt very good, Tony didn't think his stomach would be able to handle any food at the moment. One of the medications he was still taking- only because Mike made sure he took it every freaking day- sometimes gave him an upset stomach.

"Is it the medication Anthony?" Ducky calls out after him and Tony wishes he hadn't come down from his room at all.

"Yes," Tony answers and hopes that Ducky will drop the topic. He's not skinny or anything so missing a few meals here or there shouldn't really matter all that much.

"Let me heat up some broth then," Ducky tells Tony.

"That's alright Ducky I'm not hungry," Tony hurries up the stairs and closes his bedroom door. It doesn't lock though. None of the doors in Ducky's house lock, except the front and back door.

Later, Tony doesn't know how much later because he doesn't have a clock in his room, someone knocks and opens the door without waiting for a reply.

"Go away," Tony asks quietly.

"Tony, you have to eat," Comes Mike's reply. Normally he's gone already but Tony's pretty sure Ducky called him when Tony didn't want to eat anything.

"I'm not hungry."

"Tony," Mike says and he sits down on one of the chairs that's by his bed, "You haven't eaten all day."

"I'm not hungry," Tony turns away from Mike. He doesn't want to talk to anyone right now.

"Tony," Mike places a hand on Tony's back.

"Don't touch me!" Tony snarls and backs away, falling off the bed and not stopping until his back is against the wall, "You can't touch me!"

"I'm sorry Tony," Mike apologizes but stays where he is, "But why can't I touch you?"

Tony looks down at his wrist for the red bracelet, "Because…" Tony trails off when he finds that neither wrist has his red bracelet.

"I," Tony rubs his head as his chest heaves with sobs that he can't let out, "Sorry."

Now that he knows Tony is "back" Mike stands up and walks over and bends down, "How about we make a deal?"

Tony smiles anxiously, glad that Mike has the whole forgive and forget thing down to a science, "What kind of deal?"

Mike smiles at Tony, "You eat something and I'll take you to go watch a movie."

"But the doc says-" Tony starts but stops when Mike glares at him. Tony knows that sometimes, Mike doesn't agree with what Dr. Roberts says even though Mike is his aid.

"Deal," Tony extends his hand and shakes Mike's.

"Now let's go eat," Mike mumbles as he makes his way to Ducky's kitchen, "And not pizza again."

* * *

"Hey Ducky?" Tony shuffles on his feet, looking at the older man as he reads his book. It's cold outside the house and Ducky started the fire when he got home.

"Yes Anthony?"

"What happened to Mike's son? Why was he in the hospital?"

Ducky looks up quickly from his book, "Who told you Mike had a son?"

Tony shrugs, "Mike did."

"I see," Ducky sets his book on the nightstand and Tony gets a bad feeling in his stomach even though he doesn't entirely know why, "Well, Mike's son was very sick."

"But his son would have to be better now right? Cause I mean, I don't want Mike to be with me if his son isn't doing so well," Tony worried his lip.

"I believe," Ducky stands and places his hand on Tony's shoulder before squeezing it, "That his son is doing quite well."

Tony sighs in relief. He didn't want Mike to go just yet.

"That's good then," Tony smiles.

"Yes it is. Good night Anthony."

"Good night Ducky," Tony's eyes follow Ducky as the older man walks to his room.

* * *

**A/N2: Thanks to all who read and a big hug to those who review. I will try my hardest to have the next update up tomorrow but if I can't, expect it Saturday. :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Day 2: Outlook on life-bleak. Status of healing elbow-grim. Conclusion: I'm so glad it's the weekend.**

**In other news, if you have reviewed and I have not responded, know that I appreciate it. It is still very difficult to type with one and a half hands (it hurts to move my last two fingers on the injured hand) so typing is very slow. Good thing this story is all typed and ready to go! **

* * *

Chapter Six

Tony's running up the stairs.

Ducky is at work and Tony doesn't know where Mike is or if Mike is even in the house.

Up and up Tony keeps running because he has to hurry.

Ducky is gone and Mike is not there and Tony hears something on the second floor and he has to hurry up the stairs because no one else is there.

"Tony."

Tony breaths heavily and ignores the voice because he heard something up there.

"Tony, stop, there's nothing up there," and suddenly Mike's there and he's holding Tony's arm.

"Something's up there!" Tony pulls his arm away. Can't Mike hear it? Doesn't he know that something could be up there that could hurt them?

"Tony, no one's up there. Nothing's up there. You've been doing this all day Tony, nothing's up there," Mike is gently pulling Tony away from the stairs and back towards the kitchen probably to take his medicine that he hasn't taken all day because…

"I HEARD SOMETHING UP THERE!" Tony cries. Why can't Mike hear it? It's going to blow up…it's going to-

"Tony," Mike is suddenly right in front of him and Tony is reminded that Mike is really strong, "The bomb blew up. It killed Ziva and McGee. They're gone. There's nothing you can do Tony. You didn't know. No one heard it. No one could have stopped it."

Tony tries to pull away one more time but suddenly Mike isn't just holding him, he's squeezing him and pulling him close.

And Tony crumbles.

"I should have heard Boss," Tony cries and Mike jumps in shock and looks down at Tony.

"What did you call me?" Mike asks but Tony doesn't hear because he lost in his memories.

"I was the Senior Field Agent," Tony continues to cry, "I should have known. I should have protected them but I was- I was eating and-and..."

Sighing, Mike pulls Tony in close and rubs his back, "It wasn't your fault Tony. It was never your fault."

And somewhere between the crying and the hugging, Tony begins to believe Mike.

* * *

"I don't like taking the pills," Tony mumbles, not making eye contact with Dr. Roberts. He hates coming here almost as much as he hates taking the stupid yellow pill and white and green pill.

"Tony, when you arrived here, you were on five different medications a day so you should consider it a great achievement-"

"I would consider it a great achievement if I didn't have to take anything all day," Tony interrupts Dr. Roberts. He remembers having to take five pills a day because right after he would take them, he remembers that Mike would always have to wipe the drool off his face.

"What you went through Tony, it should not be taken lightly. You must remember that it is imperative that continue to take baby steps-"

Dr. Roberts is so annoying when he starts this lecture, a lecture that Tony has probably heard ten or eleven times before. Baby steps, the doctor says day in and day out.

But Tony's tried of baby steps.

And he hates the fact that when he takes the anti-anxiety medication and the other pill that he doesn't know what's for, his thoughts become so sluggish and hazy that he starts imagining that Mike is Boss.

But Gibbs is dead, he died with McGee and Ziva in that house, and Tony hates being reminded of that fact.

"Tony."

"Tony," Dr. Roberts says in a tone that indicates he's been saying Tony's name for awhile without any response.

"What?" Tony answers, working hard to keep the frustration out of his voice.

"Why don't you tell me why you hate taking the medication and maybe we can see about finding ways to help you combat the side-effect?" Dr. Roberts says in that tone he uses that is always calm and so grating on Tony's nerves.

Tony figures that since he's already label as "insane", Dr. Roberts won't totally freak out at his answer.

"I take them and I keep seeing Boss," Tony says finally.

"Boss?" Dr. Roberts asks, his eyebrows disappearing somewhere in his neatly trimmed bangs, "Do you mean Special Agent Gibbs?"

"Yeah," Tony mumbles. Now that he's said it out loud, he realizes how crazy he really does sound.

"I see," Dr. Roberts says before shuffling papers, "And where do you see your former Boss?"

Realizing now that Dr. Roberts could lock him up again if so wanted, Tony is a bit more hesitant to reveal the last tidbit of his supposed delusion.

"I keep thinking Mike is Boss," Tony finally answers, resigned to the fact that he really is crazy.

"Tony," Dr. Roberts says slowly, talking like he use to talk when Tony thought his bracelet was red, "When the bomb exploded, you and your Boss were on the first floor correct?"

"Yeah."

"Tony," Dr. Roberts says his name again to catch his wandering attention and leans forward and starts to speak but the beeping is back and Tony knows the it isn't real but that still doesn't stop him from covering his ears and closing his eyes because he knows what's coming…he knows…

And suddenly it's so loud that Tony can't hear anything and he doesn't want them to be dead. He wants them to be here with him.

But really, Tony really just wants to go home.

**A/N2: Next chapter will probably be up Sunday though if by some miracle Saturday has more than 24 hours in it, then it might be up tomorrow. On the plus side, however, no screaming 12 year old girls tomorrow. I think I'm so happy I'm gonna cry. **


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I didn't go over this story as carefully as I normally do because of time restraints. But here's the next chapter. And be forewarned. It's a sad one. **

**Thanks to everyone's who reviewing and reading. I'm trying to get to all of you but if it takes awhile, don't feel neglected. **

**

* * *

**

Chapter Seven

He loses track of days after that. They are too jumbled and fast and slow and no matter how hard he tries, he can't get them to go at the right speed. He doesn't know what's happening until later.

First time he finds the world has calmed again, he's at the hospital and he's in his room and it's really quiet there. Quieter than Ducky's house and Tony wonders if leaving was just a big joke. If Mike, Abby, Ducky and Dr. Roberts all knew that Tony would always be crazy and had set the whole thing up so Tony could see the light of day before being locked away forever.

A nurse comes in but she doesn't touch him. He doesn't have a red bracelet because that was something he made up in his head but Tony knows that they put a note in his file that he sometimes doesn't like to be touched.

Sometimes he does though; sometimes he needs it more than anything. Abby's bone crushing hugs, Ducky's softer and more quite ones and even Mike's warm calloused hand on his arm or shoulder.

But right now he doesn't want to be touched and he told Dr. Roberts that when he came in earlier. There was yelling outside his door, two loud voices that broke through Tony's quiet, but Dr. Roberts didn't tell Tony why he was yelling or who he was yelling too. Tony couldn't tell but he's pretty sure he knows who it was. It wasn't Ducky because Ducky never yells and it was a man so it couldn't be Abby. It's a voice that was yelling because he was more scared than angry and no one had told him that you didn't always have to be both at the same time.

That's alright though. Tony doesn't care all that much right now anyway.

* * *

Tony stays in his room most of the time. No one comes in, and no one comes out. Most of the time anyway.

The only people who come in are the nurses, who bring him food three times a day and try to get him to eat. But Tony hasn't eaten anything in a really long time and he knows that tomorrow, Dr. Roberts has scheduled for another doctor to put a tube down his nose and into his stomach. Tony doesn't have a problem with food, so he doesn't know why he won't eat but it's not the food that Tony's thinking about when he doesn't eat.

He thinks about the chips that he was eating on the way to the house that blew up and he's thinking that if he hadn't been eating them, if he hadn't gone back for the batteries for his camera and for the piece of sandwich that was in the front seat of the car that maybe he would have been in the house when it went boom.

Because maybe then he wouldn't be alone right now. Because it had never occurred to him before everything that being the only survivor would mean that he would be the last one. That he would be all alone.

Tony doesn't want to be the last one. But he is and he doesn't eat so Dr. Roberts gave him a feeding tube.

But Tony doesn't care though. First chance he gets, he's going to rip it out.

* * *

It's quiet when Tony wakes up. He has an IV in his hand that's giving him liquids and also delivering his medications cause Tony won't take those anymore either. Dr. Roberts must have added another one because Tony's brain isn't working up to par and his body feels really heavy.

There's also a tube up his nose and down the back of his throat. It's the weirdest sensation that Tony's ever felt and his left nostril is already red and inflamed from where the tube's rubbed it raw.

Of course, it might just be that way cause Tony's managed to pull it out two times before Dr. Roberts ordered restraints.

Tony's legs aren't restrained. The only thing keeping Tony in bed are two soft padded restraints wrapped around his wrists and two equally padded strapped on his upper and lower chest.

So Tony can move his feet and his legs. Which is good cause Tony really has to move his legs. They feel prickly and statically charged and the only way Tony can make the feeling go away is to move them. It's like pins and needles but it isn't and Dr. Roberts frowned when he saw Tony earlier.

Tony can't stop it though but he doesn't mind. It gives him something to do, something to focus on other than the liquid formula that's slowly being delivered into his stomach by a white little tube that's in his nose.

Tony feels that feeling again and shakes his legs, wishing the feeling away but it doesn't go away so Tony keeps moving them.

* * *

It's dark when Tony wakes up again. The only way he sleeps is when a nurse who is probably someone's grandmother comes in and gives him a shot of something.

She always touches him before that though, checking all his restraints to make sure he isn't rubbing those parts raw too, before rubbing his legs. The feeling is getting better and since it hasn't gone away completely, Tony doesn't mind when she rubs because she's always been nice to him so Tony lets her touch him.

After she does that, she puts something on his nose and the nostril that's inflamed. It hurts really bad when she moves the white tub but she always leaves a clear paste that makes him feel so much better.

Then she brushes his hair and shaves him if he needs it, all the time talking to him even though Tony just looks and watches her.

After all that is done, she says something to him as she injects something in his IV but Tony never remembers what she says because he floating and he doesn't care.

* * *

"Tony," someone's whispering his name and Tony opens his eyes even though he normally wouldn't but something about the voice makes his heart beat really fast.

"Come one Tony, focus on me. Look at me kid."

Tony tries, he really does, but the colors are moving and even though the light is on there's places that are dark and blue all at the same time and Tony can't find the person who belongs to the voice in all the jumble of colors.

"God Tony," there's someone touching him then and there's fingers in his hair right then and it feels really good. The fingers are warm and strong and Tony starts crying because he really really misses this. Misses him.

"Mike," Tony tries to smile but he doesn't think his mouth is working right because it says something that sounds like "Boss" instead.

"Oh Tony," the person's crying too now because Tony can feel the big tear drops on his arm and he can imagine that it's rain instead of tears and that makes him feel better.

"I'm going to get you out Tony," says the swirl of colors by Tony's hand that remind Tony of family, "But you have to help Tony. You have to help me out. Cause I can't do this by myself. You have to help me. Please."

"On your six," Tony says cause the voice in Boss' voice and even if Tony's hallucinating that too, its alright because he's crazy anyway.

And Tony's really misses Gibbs.

**

* * *

A/N2: Next chapter will be up Monday. Pinky promise. **


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Hello everyone! First, I would like to say thanks to all my readers and especially the people who review. You brighten my day. Next chapter should be up tomorrow. Though I don't know entirely how I'm going to get it up, I do know I will find a way. I've become especially apt at typing with only the pointer finger and thumb with one hand. Oh, I can't wait till I can bend my elbow again. **

**Now, one with the story. **

* * *

Chapter Eight

Slowly, Tony tries to help.

When the nurse, the nice one and the only one he remembers, comes in he responds even though his tongue is fat and the colors make it hard to keep track of her. Only her soft touches are the only thing that are keeping him from just starring off into space and looking even more crazy.

But the nurse laughs when Tony tries to make a joke and then she stays just a bit longer before giving him something that makes the colors swirl till he closes his eyes and falls asleep.

He doesn't know if he's helping. Doesn't know if anything he does helps anything anymore.

But he has to try because he promised.

* * *

Days or weeks later, the restraints come off.

Tony watches and for the first time, the colors don't swirl as bad and Tony can actually focus on the nice nurse who smiles at him while she does take them off one by one by one…by one.

Tony smiles back and says hello to her cause he's never introduced himself to her and it only feels right that he should do it.

The nurse smiles back too and it's a bigger smile, one that is filled with hope instead of just compassion, although it has both, and she tells him her name is Gracie.

Tony nods and when the nurse is done, he looks down at his legs even though he has to move them to make the feeling go away, the feeling isn't as bad as it was before.

It's getting better.

He's getting better.

* * *

Tony tries to eat, he really does, but every time he sees the food his stomach clenches and rolls and he throws up.

So Dr. Roberts takes out his tube and sees if that will help but after three days of eating and throwing up, Dr. Roberts decides to look into other options.

They try everything that Dr. Roberts can think off and they even try things that other doctors can think off. But Tony's stomach doesn't relent and almost two weeks later, Tony is waking up from surgery with a hole on the side of his lower abdomen.

It's a feeding tube like his NG-tube but it doesn't chafe at all and the hole only hurts for a few days and then Tony forgets it's even there.

That, and Dr. Roberts hopes that at least this way, Tony can start gaining enough weight to not be considered underweight.

This all helps.

And Tony is still trying to keep his promise.

* * *

He tries eating every once in awhile. Most the time it's just jello or applesauce but every time, Tony throws it back up.

But other than that, he's gaining weight. At least, Tony thinks so. He can't see his ribs anymore and his belly actually sticks out a bit.

Around then they take his IV out. And even though Tony is back to five pills, Dr. Roberts promises that soon, he'll be down to four again.

It's a goal and it helps and all this means is Tony is getting better.

Slowly.

Baby steps.

* * *

Days later, Tony is allowed to leave the hospital.

But only for a day.

Dr. Roberts says the last time they let him out was a misjudgment on his part. Tony wasn't ready Dr. Roberts says, and that he had taken a chance. Sometimes chances pay off, sometimes they don't. It didn't this time so Dr. Roberts is taking it slow.

Baby steps.

Ducky picks him up and Abby drops him off at the end of the day, and in-between, they all ignore him when he asks about Mike.

Now that he's better, he remembers that he hasn't seen them in a long time but Abby and Ducky understand.

He doesn't know if Mike does but…

Tony remembers thinking Mike was Boss and that Boss told him that he needed help but it could be Boss. It had to be Mike because Boss is dead.

Right?

* * *

"I want to read the report," Tony asks when he's finally on only four pills a day. His legs don't have the prickly feeling anymore and he's getting better. Slowly.

"Which report would that be Tony?" Dr. Roberts asks. After today's session, Abby's taking him to go watch a movie and even though Tony won't be able to eat the popcorn or the nachos or the pickle, Abby's promised him a large Rootbeer to drink.

Tony doesn't know which movie they're going to watch and Tony feels a rolling in his stomach.

But it's the good kind of butterflies. Tony is excited even if he doesn't get to spend the night at Ducky's and has to come back to the hospital.

"The one Agent Balboa did for the McAllister case, the one where Ziva and McGee died."

Dr. Roberts flips a few papers before leaning forward, "And Special Agent Gibbs? Did he die in the explosion also?"

Tony turn his head to the side and smoothes his hair.

"I don't think he died then."

* * *

"Gibbs was on the first floor," Tony tells Ducky the first night he's allowed away from the hospital which is many many days later from when Abby took him to go see a movie and he drank his Rootbeer.

"What?" Ducky whirls around quickly from where he's preparing Tony's night time feeding.

"Gibbs was uh," Tony licks his lips and smoothes his hair, "When the bomb exploded. He was on the first floor."

"Yes Anthony," Ducky turns back to Tony's food, making sure to add the vitamins and minerals that Dr. Roberts is crazy about him taking.

"And no one ever said he died in the explosion," Tony lifts his shirt so Ducky can access the tube more easily. He watches silently as Ducky connects the tube to the pump and bag of food.

Ducky's shoulders are tense, Tony can tell, but he doesn't say anything about that. It makes him nervous and uncomfortable to look at so he looks away, up to the pump that is slowly giving him food so he won't waste away and die.

From there he looks to his arms. He's skinny, he knows that. The muscle that he had worked his whole life to earn is more or less gone. Months and months of inactivity do that to a person apparently.

"No," Ducky finally shakes his head, "No one ever said that."

Tony nods, bites his lip hard and gently fingers the tubing near his skin.

"Can I go to bed now?" Tony asks suddenly and a lot louder than he intended. But Ducky doesn't jump or look at him oddly.

He just nods, smiles and helps Tony wheel the feeding pump towards Tony's bedroom.

He's tired and tomorrow, Abby is going to take him to go shopping for some more clothes before he has to go back to the hospital after lunch.

He lays down, careful of the tubing, and pushes his face into the pillow. Ducky wishes him goodnight before fiddling with the blankets and turning off the light.

That night, Tony has another nightmare.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews. I wish I could respond to you guys in a timely manner and tell you guys each how much I appreciate them but recently, I just don't have the time (or the patience to type with only two fingers on one hand lol) but I will get to you!**

**On another side note, this little story is nearing an end. By my count, we have one more chapter then the epilogue! :) Now on with the story! We pick up in Tony's nightmare and you guys finally get a bit more info on what happened that fateful day…**

* * *

Chapter Nine

There's still the red mist-blood-all over him just like every other nightmare.

Only this time Tony's back in the house. The bomb only annihilated the top floor and parts of the bottom floor. The fire isn't in full swing anymore, isn't more than just embers.

Tony burns his hand when he opens the leaning door that isn't even on its hinges. But Tony doesn't care about that. He just has to get in; he just has to find SOMEONE.

The stairs are gone which means he can't look for Ziva or McGee up there and Tony's brain keeps working. Like triage.

Top floor is gone.

But Gibbs was on the bottom floor.

Was.

Tony searches the bottom floor frantically but most of everything is charred and slightly burnt.

Nothing is human shaped.

Tony remembers that Gibbs was walking towards the kitchen and hurries out the wall that use to be there.

"Gibbs!" Tony calls out but receives no reply.

"GIBBS!" Tony is crying now he thinks but the tears help take the stinging out of his eyes from the smoke and the tears cool his skin so Tony doesn't stop or wipe them away

Suddenly there's a moan.

"GIBBS!" Tony jumps over a burning something and throws it off the body that's underneath it.

"Boss," Tony's whispering now and he doesn't move Gibbs even if he wants to because you DO NOT move a body that might have spinal injuries and there's so much blood and Tony tries to find where the blood is coming from but he can't so he tries to wipe it off but he's covered in blood too and it doesn't help.

Tony tries again put he moves Gibbs too much because there's a scream and then quiet quiet and Tony broke Gibbs he broke his Boss who's is not making any noises at all anymore and before Tony can fix him, suddenly there are more hands there that are touching him and pushing and shoving and taking him away…

* * *

"Anthony?" Tony can vaguely hear Ducky calling for him but he doesn't care.

He has to get this off of him before Ducky sees, before Ducky knows and figures out that he-that he-

"Anthony!" Ducky is worried now and he draws back the shower curtain reaching for Tony but pulling his hand back when the water he touches is scalding hot.

"Don't touch me!" Tony's back hits the farthest wall in the shower stall as he tries to avoid Ducky's grasp, "DON'T TOUCH ME!"

"Alright Anthony alright," Ducky says but he doesn't sound worried at all, "Let's just turn down the temperature of this water."

Ducky turns does something with the knob and tries to touch Tony again but Tony moves away so Ducky leaves then but comes back moments later.

"Don't touch me," Tony hadn't notice when Ducky turned the water to a lukewarm temperature but he notices now that Ducky's hand gets too close to the arm that he is using to vigorously scrub everything off, "Please Ducky, you'll get it on you too."

"And what would that be Anthony?" Ducky asks and winces at the rub marks that cover Tony's torso, although Tony was careful to disconnect the tube from the pump and to not displace the feeding tube.

Tony watches Ducky's eyes and Ducky can see that he's only in his boxers cause his shirt somehow got to be a few pathetic shreds at the bottom of the shower.

"The blood," Tony chokes out before he tries to reach for the bar of soap he just dropped. His shirt isn't important. It comes off. But the blood isn't coming off. He tries to grab it one more time, making sure Ducky doesn't try to touch him.

"What blood Anthony?" Ducky is still talking to him softly and slowly and his tone reminds Tony to take deep breaths.

"You can't-" Tony's voice cracks around a deep breath, "You can't see it?"

"No Anthony," Ducky shakes his head sadly, "Did you have a nightmare?"

"I," Tony pauses momentarily to stop rubbing, "Yes but-it wasn't-I don't know Ducky. Blood was everywhere and it was on me and I couldn't get it off and-"

"Anthony, that was a nightmare. Look at yourself again. There is no blood on you, I can assure you," Ducky says and increases the temperature of the water coming down from the nozzle when Tony starts to shake. He doesn't know how long they'll be here but it does Tony no good to freeze in the meantime. Especially if Tony is experiencing a flashback as well as a nightmare.

Tony takes a deep breath when Ducky continues to remain calm. If the older man is calm then everything must be okay. Right? But Tony's afraid to look. Because he can't handle it again. Won't be able to handle seeing…

But Ducky's nice gently eyes never waver and Tony figures he can trust Ducky.

Sure enough, Tony looks down at himself and there isn't any blood on him, even if his skin is red and a bit scraped up.

But no blood.

None.

"Ducky?" Tony says and drops the bar of soap, "Can I have a towel now, please?"

"Of course Anthony," Ducky pulls a towel out and turns off the water. He goes to place the towel on Tony's shoulders but Tony pulls back.

"No touch Duck," Tony asks quietly and takes the towel without touching the older man's hand, "Not yet."

Ducky nods and doesn't comes closer. Tony knows Ducky understands.

"Thanks Ducky," Tony says ten minutes later when he's warm and dry, wearing a dry pair of boxers and a new shirt.

"It's alright my dear boy," Ducky smiles before pulling out a bottle of cream, "Can I look at your stomach now Anthony?"

Tony bites his lip. He's burned a bit from the water and he has a couple rub burns but the nightmare is still too fresh.

"Yes," he final agrees but flinches when Ducky makes a move to lift his shirt, "But no touching."

Ducky is quiet for a moment before nodding, "Alright Anthony."

Later, Tony is falling asleep to the quiet, slow jazz music Ducky put on for him when he hears footsteps in the hallway.

"Visitors this early?" Tony smiles quietly. Ducky returns the smile and brushes the hair from his face as he watches it become harder and harder for Tony to lift his eye lids.

"No no, just a very old friend," Ducky smiles as Tony completely falls into sleep, "A very dear old friend."

* * *

"I found Gibbs," Tony says in the quiet of Dr. Robert's office a few days after the nightmare. He has the nightmare every night now and Tony hopes that by talking, it will go away.

"Care to expound on that statement Tony?" Dr. Roberts says as he leans back in his chair.

"When the house exploded," Tony replies, "I found Gibbs outside. He was burned and bloody. I think he was still alive because he moaned when I tried to wipe the blood away even though I didn't move him because you don't move a person if you suspect a spinal injury but I moved everything away so he wouldn't get burned."

"And then?"

"I think I did something but before I could fix it I think the paramedics came," Tony finishes the story, "Because I never saw Gibbs again."

Dr. Roberts starts talking about how well Tony is doing and how talking about things like this should help the nightmares he's been having. Then Dr. Roberts starts talking about how in a few days he going to be given a three day pass to leave the center and if he's comfortable with that.

Since Ducky and Abby will be there, Tony doesn't mind and he isn't nervous about it.

Tony wishes he didn't have to come back but he knows he still isn't completely better yet.

Its baby steps and it helps.

Because Tony made a promise and even if it was to someone who was only in Tony's head, Tony has to keep it.

He has too.

**

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A/N2: I'm am soooo sorry this is so late. A serious of unfortunate events occurred today and this is the first time I've been home since six this morning. Yes, it's been one of those days. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Lol**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Sheesh. Today just didn't go how it was suppose to. Lol. But thanks so everyone who reviewed the last chapter. I really appreciate it. I'm so glad you guys are enjoying the story as much as you are. You all brighten my day. **

**And break out the tissues. You're gonna need them. **

* * *

Chapter Ten

Tony is finally given the report that Special Agent Balboa filed two weeks after he first mentioned it to Dr. Roberts.

Some of the stuff is blacked out like you see in those spy movies but Tony knows they only did that because he has probably lost his clearance and is technically unable to see what happened to the suspected terrorist that killed McGee and Ziva but someone must have messed up because one line isn't completely blotted out and even though it doesn't take the hurt away, Tony is satisfied that the man that killed his friends is dead.

When he gets out, he's going to thank Special Agent Balboa for leaving that line visible.

But Tony reads the report and is…content to discover that most of what he remembers is what actually happened.

Ziva and McGee died instantly, and he doesn't want to know if they found any body parts. He's sad that he missed McGee's funeral and Ziva service but he knows they would understand.

He continues reading about little stuff, like what the bomb was made up of and where they determined it was placed. Then there's reports on how the house was damaged, stuff like that and Tony reads everything that isn't blotted out.

After that, he gets to the part about himself. Apparently, he didn't go completely off the rocker right away because by the look of the report, he answered a few of Special Agent Balboa's questions while he was at the hospital waiting.

Tony doesn't remember this, probably never will, but it's there in front of him in black and white.

Finally, he gets to the part about Gibbs.

Tony stops reading the report there, scared to see what he will find. He doesn't want to read it.

And if that makes him a coward then so be it because right now, the little hope he has that Gibbs might be alive is a small flame that is slowly growing.

And even if it might be a delusion on his part, he doesn't want to put out the fire just yet.

* * *

"Have you finished the report yet Tony?" Dr. Roberts asks him the next day. Tony shakes his head.

"I can't finish it," Tony whispers, "I just...I can't."

Dr. Roberts looks at Tony and in his eyes, Tony doesn't see any pity. He's glad for that. He hates pity.

"Would you like Dr. Mallard or Abigail to be here with you? Or do you think it's something you can handle at Dr. Mallard's house?" Dr. Roberts asks and Tony can't detect a hint of a condescending tone. Dr. Roberts, even though he is a head doctor, is a pretty okay guy.

"I think," Tony smoothes his hair and takes a deep breath, "I think I want to go to the place where it happened."

Dr. Roberts probably wasn't expecting that answer because his eyes widen and he is silent for a moment as he thinks about how to answer that.

"If you think you're ready," he finally answers Tony.

"Yes," Tony nods his head, "I think I am."

* * *

Ducky picks him up three days later. Abby is at work and can't come but he doesn't mind. Abby hates having other lab techs do her work and Tony doesn't want her to be there if he freaks out, which considering the circumstances, is a high possibility.

Tony has the report in his hand. He hasn't finished it, not yet anyway, and the little flicker of hope in his chest has grown exponentially since he first remembered Gibbs might not be dead. _Might._

Ducky is quiet on the ride over there, only stopping once to let Tony puke on the side of the road. Tony recovers quickly though, and apologizes to Ducky. But Ducky just smiles and tells him that he can make him another meal when they return home.

Tony nods and agrees and hopes that he can go back home with Ducky afterwards

When they finally pull up to the house, the lot is mostly empty. Parts of the house are still up, charred but stable.

The debris surrounding the house are gone, cleared away for evidence or because they presented a hazard.

But the house is mostly there, parts of it anyway. Tony can see where constructions crews are preparing to bulldoze it down and he wonders if any of them will know what happened here. He wonders if they'll know that the Major Crime Response Team of the Naval Criminal Investigative Service in Washington D.C. was blown and torn apart by what happened here.

Tony walks towards the house, his mind flashing back to that day. His fingers were still salty, from the bag of chips, and he was still starving and wanting that sandwich and McGee was making fun of him as he tried to lick his salty fingers clean and juggle all his gear at the same time.

Ziva had messed up an idiom, he remembers, but he doesn't remember what idiom it was or if he or McGee corrected her.

But McGee and Ziva had walked in first and had gone up the stairs, McGee shouting down a quick remark to Tony before disappearing.

It had been the last time he had seen either of them and Tony's takes comfort in the fact that they had both been smiling.

He walks through the hole that had probably been the front door and enters what was probably the living room. Tony had finally set his gear down on the dresser, after Gibbs had cleared it for anything that might be useful.

Then Tony had discovered the batteries on his camera were low and had smiled shyly when Gibbs and given him a glare because Tony knew that Gibbs knew he was also going back to the truck to scarf down his sandwich.

"Be right back Boss," Tony whispers just like he had yelled so long ago, the memory vivid as he looks at the remnants of what use to be a house.

"Hurry up DiNozzo," Tony remembers that Gibbs had grumbled as he walked into the kitchen, walked away from him.

Opening the report to the last page quickly before he losses the nerve, Tony wipes the tears falling from his face angrily as he tries to read the last few paragraphs.

_The lead Special Agent, Leroy Jethro Gibbs, was thrown through the kitchen window by the blast. He received a concussion, numerous cuts and abrasions to his face and upper torso, as well as first and second degree burns to his arms, neck and face._

_None of his wounds were fatal however and paramedics at the seen…_

Tony lets out a small yell of complete happiness when he reads that.

Feeling the flame of hope burst into an inferno, Tony runs back outside, knowing that Ducky is going to be there waiting and since the report is true Ducky won't mind taking him-

But both Ducky and…was that Mike? Both are looking away from him, talking to each other with their backs turned towards him.

"Mike?" Tony calls out happily. He hasn't seen Mike in awhile and he can't wait to tell Mike that-

But when Mike turns, Tony's jaw drops and even more tears fill his eyes. His legs suddenly become like that awful Jell-O he hates so much and his chest hurts, the good kind of hurt that makes you smile, but Mike was…Mike was-

"Boss!" Tony yells with all his heart and runs to the shorter man like he did when the house went boom.

But this time Boss isn't hurt and he's safe and Tony's safe and Tony just can't believe-

"I'm so sorry!" Tony cries out as he finally buries his head into the crook of Gibbs' neck. Boss smells like he always had smelt from before, like woodchips and Old Spice and bourbon and the smell alone makes Tony choke on his next words so he has to wait for a few seconds before he can talk and breathe again, "I'm sorry I left you and that I didn't-that I thought and I called you Mike and I didn't know," because Tony thought Boss had been gone but Boss had been there always, watching out for him and waiting till he got better, waiting and letting Tony heal in his own way even if it must have broken Gibbs' soul that Tony had looked at him but hadn't see him, "I'm so sorry I forgot and that they're gone and I didn't-I didn't-"

"Shhh," Tony hears Gibbs whisper softly into Tony's ear as he smoothes Tony's hair and lets him cry happy and sad tears for a long, long time, "It's okay Tony."

And Gibbs is hugging him and right now that's all Tony's ever wanted for so long and he's crying so much his whole body hurts but he doesn't want to stop because he's afraid that when he does he's going to look and Gibbs is going to be Mike or be gone and then really Tony won't be able to ever be okay again.

But then Tony feels Gibbs tap him on the back of the head just like he always did and Tony starts laughing because only Gibbs knows how to do it just right and no one else has ever shown him that loving someone didn't always mean you had to give hugs and smile with your mouth.

"I love you Boss," Tony pulls back just a little to see Gibbs' blue eyes, knowing that for Gibbs, the smile is always in the eyes.

Gibbs' eyes are shiny with tears and his eyes are wrinkled around the corner but Tony knows that those are the exact wrinkles he was looking for.

"I love you too DiNozzo," Gibbs tells him.

And Tony believes him because Gibbs would never lie about something like that.

And even though McGee and Ziva are gone, Gibbs is here and for once in his life, Tony isn't going to be the last one.

Isn't going to be all alone.

* * *

**A/N2: Epilogue will be up Friday. **


	11. Epilogue

**A/N: Sorry to make you guys wait. I've been experiencing double vision recently and since a degenerative vision disease runs in my family, I've been in the eye doctor all day. And after getting my eyes looked at and dilated all day long, looking at the computer was horrible. I could barely look at my phone without cringing in pain. **

**But, my sister was able to adjust the brightness and since my eyes are slowly returning to normal I can make out the screen without crying. Lol. This is the last author's note for this story. I would like to extend an enormous THANK YOU to everyone who read, reviewed, and enjoyed reading my story. I was a bit nervous posting it but thanks to everyone for sticking through with it and reading it. I have a few stories in my head at the moment but I'm going to take a break for awhile (vision problems and I think my elbow needs a break) but hopefully when I come back, I'll have some more stories for you. :)**

**Once again, thank you for everything. **

* * *

Epilogue

Weeks later, Tony would be released from the hospital. He would stay at Ducky's house and Abby would visit. Gibbs was there the first day Tony came home and just stayed. No one ever bothered to ask if he would leave.

To say everything magically got better after that would be lying. The mind simply did not work that way.

While the fact that Gibbs was back help greatly, Tony was still sick, was still healing. Still taking baby steps.

He still had nightmares and would wake up screaming and crying and wouldn't stop until Gibbs talked to him for hours or Ducky rubbed his back and made him tea.

He still had flashbacks and would often come back to himself in the shower, Gibbs waiting with a towel, dry clothes and occasionally some cream for when Tony made the water too hot.

Tony would sleepwalk, never remembering actually leaving the house but always waking up as Gibbs and Ducky gently herded him back into the warm house, back into the comfort of his bed or if Tony couldn't handle the possibility of nightmares, back onto the couch where he would watch movies or TV shows with Gibbs until he fell asleep.

He still couldn't eat normally. Much of his nutrition was received through the feeding tube on his abdomen though he had learned how to operate the tube and pump by himself.

He still took medications: anti-anxiety, a sleep aid and an anti-depressant.

Sometimes, if he was tired or anxious, he would slip back into old patterns, often not wanting to be touched or sitting for hours, just staring at the wall as Gibbs played different songs on the iPod that Abby had given him so long ago.

A few times when he was especially upset, he would forget and call Gibbs "Mike" but he always corrected himself soon after. No matter what, he never forgot that "Mike" was and had always been Boss.

A year later, Tony finally got to visit McGee's grave even though he knew the casket in the ground was empty. McGee's grave was by Tim's mother's and Tony was happy at least to see that Sarah McGee still had her father and that she wasn't alone.

He wrote her a letter later, telling her everything he could about her brother and how he had been honored to serve with Tim. He knew it wouldn't heal the hurt, because the hurt would never go away, but he hoped it would help Sarah somewhat to learn that other people knew what she herself knew: that she had the best older brother on the planet.

He visited Ziva's memorial plate, her actually grave somewhere in Israel by her mother and younger sister. Tony could only hope that Ziva was with them again, safe and happy.

Gibbs had retired after he had been discharged from the hospital and as soon as Jimmy was ready, Ducky would follow his friend's footsteps.

Tony would never return to NCIS. He could never completely past the psych evaluation, even though he passed the physical evaluation with flying colors.

The sound of the gunshots would make his hands shake and would make his heart race and no amount of therapy could help that. Tony had lost that _thing_, and he knew that most of the time, once a police officer or Special Agent lost that _thing, _it left and never came back.

He worked with Gibbs and sometimes with Jackson when the older man visited, helping them make toys for the pediatric hospitals and another boat to sail to Mexico, to visit Mike Franks and his family down south when it got too cold to stay in Washington D.C.

When he was ready, Tony found a job working for the local newspaper, writing a column about sports, movies and anything else Tony wanted too.

To say that Tony fully recovered from his incident would be lying also. That just wasn't how life worked.

There would always be scars in Tony's heart and mind just as plainly as there were scars on Gibbs' face, neck and arms.

They would never go away.

But one day, Tony would look at his life and be grateful. It wasn't what he thought it would be.

But it was okay.

No, Tony smiled, as he thought of Gibbs, Ducky and Abby all alive and of the next article he was about to write which would have something to do with idioms, geeks, partners and family; it was better than okay.

And **that** was perfect.

_"The defects and faults of the mind are like wounds in the body; after all imaginable care has been taken to heal them up, still there will be a scar left behind." _

_-François de la Rochefoucauld._

_**Fin**_


End file.
